Bonobos

I’ve been having that kinda life. The guy I’d been attempting to hook up with is telling me he’s now polyamorous. I want to fuck exclusively. There’s not much compromise in that scenario, mainly because I’m a jealous, petty and generally vindictive bitch.

Unfortunately, he feels dick should be given to everyone with no judgment. Add in the fact that he’s a fully versatile, fully bisexual male, I’ve been snooping in his DMs, and behaving like an extra on The Young and the Restless. Also, add in the fact that I’ve kinda been waiting for a chance to date him for the larger part of this decade, I’m almost willing to consider polyamory.

Now, to the wonderful people who have been pretending to know what polyamory is, bless your heart. You’re my tribe. Hands down.  Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. Key point here, beloveds, is the aspect of consent. If the people don’t say yes, you are cheating. Musaita nharo please. I know what I’m talking about.

Humans are generally bred to exist not only in groups, but to have more than one sexual partner. Specific tribes, for example, believed that one child could have many fathers, one father being the “one who fertilises the seed”, “one/several who water(s) the seed”, and “one who brings the seed to maturity”.

The purpose of this, besides the beautiful polyamorous aspect, is the fact that the child is catered for, regardless of whether or not the everyday father is dead.

Humans, like bonobos, function best in an environment where the parties are allowed to fuck everyone, but still have the one person they are going back home to. The idea is, in the hunter-gatherer phase of our existence, we were actually more chill than we are now.

Now, this makes perfect sense to me. People complain about how their sex lives are now dull as fuck because they’ve been with the same person for 12 days/months/years. Their bodies weren’t meant to be with that one person sexually, for the rest of their lives. Why would they do so? Because society is a c*nt. Sorry. Typo. Meant to say cunt.

Society, through a shitload of its other constructs, like religion, felt that letting you fuck whoever you wanted was wrong. Polyamory has, when it works, proved that we are capable of loving more than one person at a time. As long as that one person isn’t me.

I’ll be honest. Bisexual verse guy, or BVG henceforth, is one of the few things I’ve never liked sharing. I hated being introduced to his girlfriends in college. They assumed I was a bitter queer. If only they could see me now. And realise how right they were….

I especially hated his boyfriends. They were these shallow idiots, I couldn’t understand why he bothered himself. But the key issue was he never bothered himself with me. Realising that I had somehow discovered that this one man didn’t want me made me obsessive about him.

I also realised, after the first few life-giving fucks, that we were completely incompatible. He liked giving it to everyone, I liked receiving it from everyone. And I balk from polyamory not because I think it’s deplorable, because I don’t: I just did not like sharing him. Or anything else, for that matter.

I fear that the attention I would get would be less, due to the polyamory. He’s juggling more than one person, he can’t be stressed with petty things like my attention seeking ass. Yes. I also realize this touches on my own issues, but fuck that. I have about as many hangups with polyamory as I do with that old TV show: Lost. Up to this day, I still have no idea what the fuck the monster eating them on the island was, why they went back to the island after successfully escaping, and how, or why it ran for 4 seasons.

I do, however, know a few things to be true.

1. Non-heterosexual individuals are likelier to have polyamory work.
2. Polyamory is our friend, not our foe.
3. If the other party doesn’t approve of you dating someone else, it’s cheating. It is not polyamory.
4. Some idiot is going to misinterpret everything I’ve just said, and consider that polyamory is a good excuse to fuck everything. Down boy. This was not meant for you.