The Grindr Games

My first experience with Grindr was eye-opening. For the first time in my 22 years of life, I felt I belonged. I had finally found a platform of individuals who had spent as large a part of their lives as me hiding from a world that hated them. And they behaved like the lunatics they’d finally been allowed to be.

After putting an actual face pic up, I had somehow managed to arrange seven hook ups for the weekend. Now, obviously, I couldn’t have attended all of them. But that wasn’t the point. The point was there was quite literally dicks of all shapes and sizes waiting to be sampled, ridden, tasted, and lightly grazed with my teeth. (Yes, I may be a lil bit of a freak)

So what did I do? I had sex that weekend. Sex with men I knew I would never see again, and as such could be as freaky as I wanted to be. I of course left the weekend a bit shell shocked by the fact that I was a thot (defined, according to the urban dictionary as an acronym for That Ho Over There) but such thoughts generally die quickly (see what I did there?)

And of course, this level of sexual freedom got me nothing but this feeling of self-loathing that made people’s objectification of me remarkably easy. And it’s surprising how much you begin to agree with people when they treat you like shit. You’re generally raised to treat other people with respect regardless of their background because they are people. So when someone treats you like nothing but a sentient fleshlight (Google it), you believe that you somehow deserved that treatment.

So, in an attempt to regain some semblance of normalcy, I did the obvious thing. I deleted Grindr. And, of course, found myself online again a month afterwards, desiring the anonymous, exceptionally short-lived connection created in those few minutes between cumming and separating from cuddling. And began the cycle again, whenever I felt horny, or desired companionship, and broke the cycle again, whenever I felt disgusted with myself and needed to detox.

In the years of these Grindr games, I learned a few things:

1. Create a persona.

I won’t mention my username, because, hey, I like a little anonymity. The idea is, basically, sex is being exchanged. Sex is the product, and why do you deserve to have your product bought? So put your best foot forward, make sure this persona isn’t a direct copy of yourself. Because, like WhatsApp groups, Grindr makes gay men absolute assholes with no respect for decency or your emotions. And they will get crushed. Several times over. Also, simply because a guy has blocked you on Grindr, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Or your persona. He just doesn’t realise you are literally God’s gift to the human race.

2. Always pay attention to the message you’re sending

This should be pretty obvious. Don’t sell yourself as a sex kitten if large penises scare you. If you wanna just suck dick, don’t be coerced into trying to sit on it. Make it clear what is on the table, and what isn’t.

3. Never be afraid

Also self-explanatory. You wanna sit on a big dick? Find one. Work your way towards sitting on it, and make sure the guy trying to impale your heart is working at a rate you are comfortable with. Also, there’s nothing wrong with simply lifting yourself off said dick and going home. No one has ever said you’re forced to ride him to completion.

4. Make your desires clear

So you like a little choking. Maybe a little role playing. Maybe a whole lot of rimming and fingering before the main event. Make it known. Men are not miracle workers, generally. Also, have realistic expectations. Unless you make it clear that you’re looking for a Fifty shades experience, you won’t get it.

5. Always remember, you are a person, not a cumdump

This took me the longest to realise. You have feelings. You have wants, you have preferences. Never have someone rule the entire proceeding. Nothing is as degrading as having no control over what happens to you, unless you actually said, quite clearly, that you would like to be dominated.

6. Don’t catch feelings. Or diseases.

Let’s not be daft. Men having sex with men tend to also be having sex with women, and due to that, expose you to a larger range of illnesses. Condomise. Everytime. And remember, condoms don’t protect you from all sexually transmitted illnesses. Feelings, like pubic lice, are embarrassing to deal with, and might only make their presence known after a long period of time. And until you deal with either/both, you can’t go back to thotting (derived from the word Thot, explained somewhere above).

7. It’s advisable to have a second SIM that all your Grindr buddies hit you up on

Because stalkers are real. And because after a shitload of whoring, of, like all normal people, you improve your talent by practice, that ass/dick becomes unforgettable. And the problem with being unforgettable, is people do not forget you. So unless you have a second SIM, hopefully not one on Ecocash, you might be exposed to calls from men speaking about how they’ve told their wives they’re heading out for a drink but have booked a hotel room for the night and they’ve bought your favourite yoghurt and how they want you to use their dick as a spoon. (This has never happened. This is just an example)

In conclusion, it’s important to say that you can’t fuck your way into loving yourself more. Learn to do that first, and Grindr becomes less of an orgasmic crutch, and more of the fun adult playground it was meant to be.