Lines

So, my best friend just told me he has, on several occasions, had gay sex. My immediate reaction was more “Bitch why are you making me feel feelings this late on a drinking Saturday?”

I haven’t fully processed this yet. One of the few completely hetero people I knew has gone to the dark side. Well, almost hetero. His consumption of porn in all its various forms generally left some questions, in my gay friends’ minds. Not so much in my own.

I mean, I’m a 2* year old guy who’s really gay, curious about sex and gender identities because, you know. Life. I generally watch all types of porn. I however draw the line at stuff involving poop. Like, let’s not record some things. I digress. I find that one’s ability to watch all forms of porn has less to do with sexual orientation, but more to do with specific triggers. I only watch BBC and gangbang scenes in straight porn. I’ll not explain why for the former, I think it’s obvious. For the second I’ve been berated because some ass felt I am a secret misogynist. I think people forget that all the power in that scene resides in the woman/guy experiencing it. If they decide to stop it, it’s over. That power has not always been respected in my life, and as a result, I’ve always advocated for whatever is necessary to ensure rights to consent are protected.

So the fact that he’s watched gay porn is just that. He’s watched gay porn. He’s found something about it that turns him on. He feels confident enough to explore that aspect of his sexuality and see what happens. It has worked out for him.

So why am I pissed? I’m pissed because it took this fucker this long to tell me. I’m pissed because it felt like I’ve been baring my soul, describing all my sexual faux pas, and nigga said nothing. I even told him about throwing up on a guy who wanted to bang when I told him I was nauseous (it’s only hilarious in hindsight). I told him about a guy from MSU who kinda introduced me to big dick, namely his own (let’s call him MSU for easy reference). So, in the middle of the confession that was delivered whilst I was high and drunk, he tells me one of the people he’s fucked is MSU. I know it wasn’t during the time me and MSU were fucking. It still felt like a violation. It felt like I was, somehow on exhibition during the entire time. I felt my face shift, and I hope my face didn’t register anything besides puzzlement. Coz I felt wounded.

I felt conflicted as fuck too. Why the fuck did he not tell me? Am I in any way such a bad person that he felt he couldn’t tell me? Also considering that he’s the first person I came out to, I expected, at the very least, the same level of honesty.

But I’m also realising that this has nothing to do with me. Someone once argued that nothing defines our generation more than the sexual fluidity we are achieving. The least I can do for him is to be there when he needs me. The same way he’s been there for me as I overanalyzed text messages sent to me by bicurious men, and gay niggas. He’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever had. Platonic or otherwise. I would happily kill/bury bodies with and for him. I’m just going to need a little time to redraw the lines