We are three friends scattered across the globe, each navigating life as gay Zimbabweans.
Toward the end of my last relationship, my ex and I got into a terrible argument. One of the things he said was that I would never find anyone who would love me as well and as much as he did. I was too difficult and no one would ever be able to put up with me. I am sure I said some things back, but I do not remember. Demo rinokanganwa asi muti haukanganwi. In the months after our break up, I got better, I healed (slowly) and came to accept my new reality. But somewhere in the back of my mind I still believed his words. I was too difficult, I was a mess, not handsome enough, not funny enough, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.
One of my all time favorite songs is Shake It Out by Florence and The Machine; the song begins with the line “regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments,” I love the song because I can see myself in it, I not only hear it but understand it.
It’s always darkest before the dawn. A couple of weeks ago, I was lying on my bed, in tears and shaking with pain. I was high, drunk, broke, and alone. I missed my family, friends and more importantly my ex lover. Just thinking about him made me howl in pain and I blamed myself for our breakup. I had not eaten for two days and I was seriously considering suicide. Then a friend of mine called, we spoke about life and he told me about what he was going through, he had recently lost a beloved family member. I listened and paused when it was needed. One of the last things the person he lost told him was “there will always be more love” and that had stuck with him. It stuck with me. I picked myself up from my bed, went to take a shower and went online cruising in search of something more than me drowning myself in my own stupor.
And all of the ghouls come out to play. After a couple of weeks of exorcising my demons through meaningless sex, I was tired. I had had enough and now it was time to re-center, but to wean myself off I decided I would have one more purge then go cold turkey.
It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back. I never thought I would be able to feel anything more than pain and cynicism when it came to affairs of the heart. I would sneer or roll my eyes when I saw lovers walking the streets or on the subway—it’s all fake and ephemeral anyway. But here we are, back to the place I said I would never be.
Naked by Ella Mai is playing in the background, we are sitting by the verandah on a red circular mat, the stars are out and I am lying my head on his chest. I cannot stop smiling and each time I look up I see him smiling as well. He smiles with his eyes and from this angle I can see all the folds of happiness roll up the side of his eyes. In this lighting his face is a brownish gold like nzungu dzakakangwa.
“I really like being in this moment with you.”
“I really like it too” I reply.
There shall be more love, but first you must shake off the devil on your back.
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