Emma’s Win

I’m at work, looking at emotionally intelligent clients who come to dump their shit on me today, of all days. Now, I usually don’t mind, because my clients = me getting paid, but today is not that day. Today is the day we focus on the fact that 38 years after independence, we’ve effectively become a one party state. Human rights have been flung out the window, and l genuinely want to punch my client in the tit for suggesting that ZANU might be a changed party under Emma.

Now, Emma has a lot going for him. He’s 75, veritably virile if you consider the forest of children he has, and quite possibly throws shade better than the entire RuPaul’s Drag Race cast. On all the seasons. Combined. Of course, he has no mathematics, but that shit means nothing. The rest of you all know 10+4=14, but you’re not ruling a nation after “free and fair” elections, are you?

I know. Too soon. But now is the time. To poke fun before control of the internet clamps down on the freedom of speech. Lol, bullshit. With a libido that impressive, we’re assuming he needs to masturbate before stepping on stage anywhere. And what better jerk off material than memes of yourself doing that dance.

Be honest. We’ve all done it. It is one dance that simultaneously reads “I overestimate my general importance, and my ego blocks all criticism.” and also reads “this is why I was never in any dance crews”. But, we are getting carried away. The real questions remain unanswered. What does ten more years of Robert Mugabe mean for us as a nation? Yes. I typed it right. It’s not in any way different from Robert’s rule.

I hear the few gay ZANU supporters that read our blog protesting wildly. Before I address your violent protests, one question. How does it feel being a walking oxymoron? I mean, Gay ZANU Supporter… Back to your protests. The Emma rule is in no way different from the Robert rule. The individuals who perpetrated the human rights abuses during Robert’s rule are the same niggas, just older, drier and less funny.

Simply because he has met with GALZ leaders does not mean you are about to get any rights. One of my lecturers was of the view that certain human rights can only be granted when the legislature takes it upon itself to drag its people into the 21^st century. The idea being that it’s their job, as the legislature, to literally shove unprejudiced behaviour down the populace’s throat, and wait for them to get used to the idea of equal treatment for all regardless of sexuality or gender identity.

Stonewall comes to mind, but I’m not quite sure we’re ready for anything that dramatic yet. Add in the fact that “fake soldiers” are allegedly responsible for the death of six people. I really can’t comment on any of this, because I saw this on the Hmetro front page, but come on. Where the fuck do fake soldiers get ammunition? And fucking AK47s? And how the fuck are they the ones that respond when the police call for assistance? Do we have fake policemen calling fake army officers?

Moving on.

In 2023, if the great Emma survives that long – you’ll have spent 43 years under ZANU. And the Israelites, after being dicks to GOD, wondered in a desert for 40 years. You will have literally suffered more than people from the Bible who suffered slavery. I only have a few questions resulting from this.

1. Where the fuck are the alleged witches in Zimbabwe? You can’t be part of a group of individuals bringing suffering to a nation of people, and not get bewitched by someone.
2. How can a nation of people insult a God so much, that he looses ZANU upon you all?
3. And come the fuck on. 38 years is too much. One party states should be made illegal. Or at least stop rigging elections.

And I’ll stop writing now. I’m getting pissed off. The usual result of thinking Zimbabwean.