Failure to Launch

Failure to launch

My stare is vacant
My mind is crude
My heart is aching
Fucked is my mood

So much has been happening all at the same time. Most recently, a friend took his own life. I saw him just last week and all seemed normal. We had a few drinks and laughed about the absurdity of societal expectations. We were both the same age, unmarried and gay- him more visibly than I. I usually pride myself in my ability to read people, but I totally missed something. Maybe we didn’t spend more time together or have frequent deep conversations. Sigh. I am unable to shed tears easily but I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of grief. They say suicide is selfish, but do they understand the need to get out? Maybe I am off-side but I am a little envious. He is resting. He is at peace. We will never really know. Rest in peace, my friend.

Before the aforementioned, life has been a case of vigorously treading water. The elections did not yield much in terms of hope or satisfaction. I shudder at the prospect of another FIVE dreary years with the status quo as is… I am so far removed from what I qualified for I cannot remember what my ideal career path was in the first place. The ruling party offers nothing. A nothingness as tangible as a clear blue sky. A nothingness with a texture. The same texture as a pumice. A nothingness with a pungent smell. A smell like dog shit stuck in the tread of your hiking boots. There will be no sweeping reforms that will usher in some semblance of economic upturn. Kleptocracy will have five good year to bend us over a barrel and ram its throbbing appendage into us without the luxury of lube. Another FIVE fucking years of lost time. Maybe now is the time to get married and migrate to where a blesser deems fit. Haha, the wanton ravings of a mad man.

I may be bitter at the loss of hope or projects, but one thing is the anchor. Voldermort keeps me sane, for now. I hope he sticks around for the long haul. Learning to be less selfish sucks ass, and not in the fun way. After having a shitty day at the office, a day when those gay ducks are hung over in bed and not even pretending to get into line, he will be there with his wit and cynicism to make me giggle. Yes! Giggle like a 35 year old school kid. Being emotionally aligned with someone takes away a lot of background noise. Everyone else that comes along or attempts to steal you away is met with indifference, at best, or petty judgement. I need to sign off and chat with him. He lives far away.

The mind is willing but the fingers are weak
This place and its people broke my will of teak
The outlook for most is pathetically bleak
We all have voices but choose not to speak