Donkey

I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time horny in the past 12 months. I’m pretty sure I could lie, and state that it’s because I’m maturing, but that would just be bullshit. Truth of the matter is, I think I have a lot of internalised homophobia. I’m kidding. I’m pathologically afraid of sexual encounters.

I had the pleasure, at some point, of fucking with a guy I’ll call Donkey. If you know why, you’re my kinda pervert. Thing is, Donkey was my kinda top. He had no qualms regarding sex and the kinks that turned me, and him on. I mean seriously. His nipples were like cheat codes to the most fun of games. You can’t play hide the dick in my ass anymore? Pinch nipples. You really don’t want to continue going down on him anymore? Bite his nipples. Need kombi fare back to college? Call your brother. Donkey though completely wild, was also completely broke. You had to provide your own snacks for the “after hook-up” cuddle session.

Now don’t get me wrong. He’s gorgeous. He’s funny. He’s buff (some days) and he still makes my knees wobble. Not much, but credit is to be given where it is due. Best of all, he’s dumb as a pile of rocks. That made him the perfect itch scratcher. Or pounder, word choice is basically semantics at this point. He was also, quite possibly, the biggest slut with a dick I’ve ever met.

Imagine believing you’re about to share your secret tryst with your friends for the first time. And all 4 of these hos get the same glazed eyes you personally get when you eat 4 slices of toast with Nutella on them. You realise they have all tasted of the bounty, and in the case of two of them, the bounty still continues. All possible feelings that could have arisen for Donkey died a hot fiery death as these bitches detailed the insane rimming their holes were still aquiver from. Yes. Aquiver is an actual word. Look it up. The definition creates a mental picture you weren’t ready to have.

So, the question that killed my vibe for the longest, was handed in by my friend. His Dramatic Highness, with a glint of slightly malicious joy asked “so, did Donkey finally get treatment for his pubic lice?”.

Never has silence fallen upon gay men that quickly, and that dramatically. I could see the cogs turning. Rapidly in most instances, and pretty slowly in one. I won’t mention whose face took the longest to relax. They all audibly sighed in relief. I faked it. I began to understand the constant itching, fine droplets of blood that would have gone unnoticed if I’d stuck to my generally dark underwear colour choices. But white undies reveal everything, and told me I was suffering from a case of crabs.

After several doses with increasingly potent ointments and tablets, I was declared free of my infestation. And immediately shaved and burned my pubic hair. I was not going back, I swore to myself, and found myself on my stomach a few days later, back arched, and biting my lip to avoid moaning loudly.

As feeling finally returned to my feet, I realised I couldn’t see the condom that I’d passed Donkey. And it was, of course, at that moment, that his cum decided to run down my leg. I might have possibly overreacted. I remember throwing his phone against his bedroom wall, and rushing to put clothes on as Donkey’s roommate pounded his door in an attempt to ensure his friend was alright.

In an attempt to save grace, and be reasonable, I left the premises and got myself a self test kit in town. I returned to Donkey’s house and…. Started hyperventilating when Donkey’s results showed him to be HIV positive. I quietly left, and sought assistance from a couple of friends. After a month of PEP, I was still HIV free. Severely less trusting now.

His Dramatic Highness, in an attempt to prove he was boss bitch, I think, informed me that he and Donkey had finally gone bareback. I smiled and replied “I’m so glad you’re on PrEP, otherwise, it would have gone badly!” His slack-jawed look told me he hadn’t. Being the kind man that I am, I provided him with a number for a pharmacy with reasonably priced PEP.

I’ve blocked Donkey. I’ve been Blocked by his Dramatic Highness. I haven’t looked Donkey up on social media for months now. But…. He’s still hot though.