Would Be Lovers

I fell in love with you when I was 17. At least I thought I did. If you had been there and seventeen, you too would understand. I found Jesus at 16, and got baptized. I was going to get confirmed the following year. I knew that I had a sin God could not forgive, a longing for something that was abominable before the Lord. I prayed each night for God to make me purer, stronger in the face of temptation, I was ready to give myself over to Him. He was the only man I was going to commit myself to, give myself to wholly. But each time I caught my eyes linger for too long, each time I found myself wondering what, Martin, my best friend, looked like naked I hated myself. I fasted, I prayed, tears running down my face. I had to exorcise myself of this sin, this stain that was standing between me and God. For twelve months, I read the scripture, went to Bible study, dated a girl, fasted and went to service every Sunday. I did everything I could to rid myself of the darkness that was festering within me. I fought like Paul to finish my race well.

Then I met You. At first I hated you, your gait, your charm, your effortless smile, your ability to draw the room and make it laugh. I hated you because from the very first day, you saw me. You saw me and saw the darkness I had managed to contain, if only temporarily. You saw it and awoke it so viscerally. But I was resolute and for months I fought you, you were the snake in Eden, Delilah herself but I was going to be stronger than Adam, Eve and Samson. I fasted more, prayed harder and read the verses fervently. But the more I tried to ride myself of you, the more the darkness grew. And you knew just what to feed it, you had the perfect way of disarming me and arming all that I wanted to do away with. And over time, I became Samson, Adam and Eve. I gave in, and it felt good. To this day, I still remember seeing you naked, towel around your, chocolate colored, waist, brandishing your ever so deadly smile. Tempting me. Pulling me in.

Many years later, when I fell in love again, I kept remembering you, wondering about you, missing you, comparing you to him. We kept in touch and you knew I had met someone else but I guess we both knew that you would always be my first, and that meant something. I fell out of love with my second love but I never really fell out of love with you, my first, my could have been. I never fell out of it because I never had the chance to be in it, everything that happened was stolen, brief and always on borrowed time. My mind extrapolated the rest, I created the perfect relationship because I knew we would never get one. But today, I realize that some things are just meant to be, that, brief encounters, that leave us with endless possibilities. Maybe one day we will work out, maybe we will never, maybe I will never know. But I have to let it go, let you go, and accept the cards the universe has dealt.

Like sand on a beach, my love for you will always be endless, infinite. But I must let it rest, or I will sink and like quicksand, it will swallow me whole—this wondering and longing that is pulling at my heart.

Yours sincerely,

Would have been lover.